No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
