Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
