You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
