We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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