You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
