I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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