Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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