So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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