"it" just moved
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
