$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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