lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
