You made me cry and you don't even care
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
