Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
