Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
