The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
