I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
