My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
