There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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