sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
