and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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