i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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