You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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