Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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