I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
