I like my sex mixed with concussions.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
