I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
