I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
