Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
