He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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