If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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