sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
