I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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