It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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