You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
