...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
