i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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