Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
