I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
