Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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