Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
