i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
