I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
