How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
