Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
