I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
