did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
