ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
