I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
