I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
