I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Girls should come with a carfax report
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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