True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Randomize
