and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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